Procrastination

Well, four weeks has passed since Lexi's birth and it is hard to imagine life without her.

To change tack for a moment: procrastination ... am i doing it at the moment? One of the life puzzles that has arisen is getting tasks done in the midst of adjusting to Lexi's presence and - this week - Vesi's struggles with some virus/temperature etc. So, being the summer, I have the luxury of being at home and taking care of the ladies of my life ... but at the same time there are 'vocational tasks' that need to be done ... studying, meetings, adminstrative things - but I am putting them off. Either to be around home, to run errands, to take care of Lexi, or just because I am tired. In the midst of all this, to be honest, there has been some TV watching (mainly sports) and some DVD viewing. And so the month of June has passed, and behold I have not 'done' much.

The answer is, i suppose, some mixture of procrastination and faithfulness. Not everything of value can be measured in terms of checking off a list ... family and people are not so easy to quantify. But, honestly, there has been perhaps too much WAB - bing (Work Avoidance Behavior).

So i make a resolution in my mind ... come Monday to get organized and motivated. I have made these before :)

And then...

I had this thought even before Princess Lexi was born ... it was more an image than a thought. And it was and is pretty morbid. It came to me, if i recall correctly, late at night while struggling to get to sleep which is when most of my darker thoughts rise to the surface. Anyway, the image was of a baby's life. She is born, and then? What does this life have in store for her? Along the way she is bound to suffer, she will lose, she will grieve, she will get old, and she will die. Told you it was morbid. But if that is all that awaits her, then why bring a child into this world? There must be something more ... some purpose, some vibrancy, some Beauty. We sense this, we know this in our gut. And I am convinced this is true, that Lexi can live a life of purpose, of vibrancy and of Beauty. A life of significance, for what she does in this life - to quote Maximus from 'Gladiator' - can and does echo for eternity.

And beyond a life of significance, this here - this life - is a life of Beauty. Yes, sometimes it is more the silver lining sort ... but Beauty is always there. Most often in relationships. And it is there because God is Beauty, the source of all Beauty, and we as image bearers of God are able to appreciate this Beauty. And I hope and pray that Alexi will be a Beauty Appreciator!

To go to another fount of wisdom: Oprah was interviewing Matthew McConnaghy (sp?) the other day, and apparently his mother used to say to him when he got out of bed in a grumpy mood and came through to the kitchen, 'Get back into bed until you are ready to see the roses in the vase and not the dust on the table!' If God is Beauty - which I earnestly believe He is - then there are always roses in the vase. And then Alexi's life is not about simply being born and then growing old and losing and grieving and mourning. No, it is about purpose, and vibrancy, and Beauty. And so is my life. The little tyke is teaching me grand lessons already!

Sunrises

Sunrises come with the little princess, don't they? Sitting here listening to her sleep - yes, the occasional snort means i can listen to her sleep - while those morning birds start their songs, sky goes grey, and a new dawn arrives. i am unlikely to actually see the sun rise, that privilege goes to those who get out of the house ... but i am experiencing the dawn. have a feeling i will be experiencing more dawns in the next few weeks that i have in my whole life.

Princess Alexi is now - let me count it out - almost 5 days old .not even a week yet ... but more than half her first week, if that makes any sense. she is doing well, so it seems. we are still reading the signs to figure out what 'well' looks and sounds and smells like in her world, but here are some things she enjoys:

- I have no doubt that a recent defecation, with accompanying percussive sound effects and appropriate facial contortions, gave her a great deal of satisfaction. Oh to just be able to let go in public!

- I have unearthed a secret ... we have a play mat which has lights and sounds and things hanging - she likes this play mat. she likes staring at the lights. i like her staring at the lights, cos it means she isn't fussing, or crying, and is also increasingly attentive.

- she likes being talked to - not at. doubt she will like being talked at. But one way of soothing her down is to talk and talk and talk. i was rambling on to her as i held her and walked around in the nursery y'day, unaware that the sound monitor was on and vesi was listening in from another room. thankfully, i didn't say anything incriminating, and i think both the ladies in my life found my drivel amusing!

- she has also discovered that she can use a hand to push her pacifier (dummy for my south african readers) back into her mouth when it is just dangling out. i am sure, thinks her proud dad, that no child ever born has ever been able to do that at such a young age.

- Princess Lexi has also realized that she likes sleeping a bit more (see below). a bit more than monday, that is, and we shall see what wednesday brings. but at least on tuesday, vesi and i had more moments where she was just snugly asleep. we actually got to have a bit of dinner together.



If you have made it this far, you must really love our family! Feel free to leave comments and messages. Maybe, one day in the not too distant future!, I will be able to show Princes Alexi these random thoughts and the responses from loved friends around the world.

A Long Day

Yesterday, Monday 5th June, was the first 24 hour day with Lexi (or some such version) home. 24 long hours, and rich hours, and sweet hours, and tiring hours, and confusing hours, and hours with lots of apologies for words said wrong, and hours of shushes, and hours of wonderings. It was a long day, as you can tell. And just the first. Wouldn't have it any other way.

This is a real journey. Real in the sense that it is tough, but real also because it is so rewarding. To have Lexi get her first hiccups ... if it wasn't 3 am after lots of feeding, lots of crying, and her not sleeping, i would have been chuckling! i did glow when she was sleeping on my hairy tummy (note: not chest, that is bushy!) and raised her head to put her arm underneath, then the head came back down. just sleeping, rising with my breath, twitching every now and again, long eyelashes peacefully together.

She hasn't all been peacefully together, and nor shall she be. But isn't that what a real journey is all about? And does that not make the peace-full moments, the glimpses of contentment and cutishness and special moments all the richer?

One thing is for sure ... she may have my nose - so they say - and Vesi's mouth. My toes, too, i think. But she is Alexandra Grace Valentina Cooke ... she is uniquely and wonderful all herself - fearfully and wonderfully made by a master Artist, a maestro Sculptor.

And something else to note: i am very thankful for the French Open Tennis at this time!! Comes on at 6am (ESPN 2) and runs through till early afternoon. A fine source of distraction and entertainment with just a hint of escape.

In the end, a picture that sums it up:

The Moment

I should be asleep, but part of me knows that if this doesn't get written tonight it may pass me by. The moment has come, she is alive and sleeping next to her mom. Using words to describe this profound experience is hardly fitting, but the only option really. You run the risk of distancing yourself from those who do not have children, and being cliched for those who do.

But, in the end, this is not about impressing people ... but about remembering the moment. This moment came with its fair share of struggles and a rush of life and joy and flooding emotions. Some images that stand out from this day, the first birthday of our first child, who ushers in the next generation of Cooke's!:

The bravery of my dear wife. She is a stronger person than I, more resolved and determined.

The immediate joy of being in the presence of our daughter, and to be there together.

Alexandra's first bath, she just loves having her hair washed! Screamed like a banshee till she got deeper and brighter red ... but quitened down when her hair was washed. Who would have thought?

When she gripped my finger for the first time, moments after she was born ... i don't know who was holding on to who tighter!

The fragility of a 5 hour old baby ... so young, so tender, so precarious ... and so full of life at the same time.

She was crying, not happy, and I picked her up, put her in the crook of my arm ... and she shushed down and rested with me. Twice this happened, a most beautiful thing. Remember this, oh Bruce, when nought will shush her down.

Mother and child, asleep in two separate rooms, with their heads cocked at exactly the same angle. A most poignant, masterful moment.

That first, tar black, dirty diaper ... mmm, one to store away in the memory banks.

Having friends around, knowing we are loved; yet also being far from immediate family. Texting, calling, and emails are gifts ... but bittersweet ones at that.

She has just turned 12 hours old as I write this blog. 12 hours, it feels like a year of emotions and experiences hurled together. Alexandra Grace Valentina Cooke. She is, God willing, sleeping by her mother's side, with her angel standing guard. A gift from our Father, and ultimately, i hope and pray, a daughter of our Father and a blessing to many. Grant us, grace, Father. And strength!

Waiting for the Moment

It is almost as if life is on pause at the moment, just waiting for someone to gently push that play button. Or, to use a less machinistic image, it is like we are holding our breath. We know the day and moment will come to exhale, but just are not sure exactly when in the next few days of our life that will happen. But that next breath will change everything ... so we are told, and so I realize in my head and to some degree in my heart.

A baby is almost here. Well, she is here, isn't she? But there is a next stage, another level, a deeper connection to be made. I wonder what difference it would make if this was our second child. I sense there would be a different kind of thrill and excitement. There is almost a sense of exploration to come, a new land to enter. And we are paused on the threshold with anticipation. Most of the thoughts are positive, but occasionally there creeps in the anxious fearful images and imaginings. But, there is also a resignation that certain things are beyond my control; no matter how desperately I may want to ensure that mother and child breeze through the Moment with the greatest ease.

It is at this moment that faith in a good and sovereign Father God does make a concrete difference. Sure, there may be questions about the mystery of suffering, and raging against the enigma of God's ways being higher than my ways. And our Father God does have His own, His own ... well, put it this way: He gets to decide what is right. And that would be deeply troubling if He wasn't and isn't good to the core of His being. Goodness, that makes the difference. And, I hope, even when trials and tribulations do hit ... this will make all the difference.

So, what do I wonder the most? Honestly, at the moment I wonder when it will all happen. When the Moment will arrive. It is hard to think beyond this. It is like holding one's breath, one can only think about the moment one takes the next breath ... not necessarily what will happen after that. So, here is to the arrival of the Moment and that first next breath.

Thank You

To Our Dear InterVarsity Family,

It is hard for me to share with you how precious the baby shower was for me ... and for my growing family!

This may be somewhat sacriligious but I am reminded of the story of Jesus being anointed by the woman at Bethany with the most expensive perfume. It was an extravagant gift that others thought was a waste, but Jesus said it was beautiful and would be remembered wherever and whenever His gospel is preached. Likewise, your gifts are extravagant and so very thoughtful. Others might think it a waste of money and time - the Cooke family treasures your giving as beautiful. And wherever and whenever our story is told, and the story of our child, we will remember to tell of your love for us.

Vesi and I laughed, sighed, and choked up reading through your contributions to "Proud Papa's" scrap book, and the little notes to 'Baby' in the book. When she is too big for the carrier (which I can't wait to wear around campus), has grown out of the clothes, can't sit in the high chair any longer, and pooped in all the diapers ... your loving thoughts will still be a part of her life and our family.

Thank you for sharing the love of Christ with us, and I am very excited about our baby sharing her life with you.

Love

Bruce, Vesi and Baby

Easter Sunday Devotional - John 20: 10-18

What a surreal experience this must have been for Mary. Great grief, tremendous confusion, mistaken identity, elation, surprise, joy, excitement and probably much more. What stands out to me is that the resurrection of Jesus from the dead - the empty tomb - changes everything. it brings clarity to confusion, brings joy to grief, and brings purpose to standing around doing nothing. at least it should, but i too often don't live my life in the light of the resurrection of Jesus and the empty tomb.

you see, it is in this once-off historical event that the hope of every human lies. the resurrection is a seismic shift in all of creation, changing things forever. and this seismic shift plays out in the lives of individual men and women (isn't it wonderful that a woman is the first to encounter the risen Jesus?!) like Mary, and like me; when Jesus calls out our names. i find it very moving that it was by calling out her personal name - Mary - that breaks through all the crying and desperation. there is something very tender, and human, about this moment. am i looking for Jesus today? am i listening for His voice?

may i listen for His voice today calling out my name, bringing clarity to any confusion, joy to any grief, and purpose to any dithering! and may i respond like Mary: with passion, physical excitement, joy and celebration!

Easter Saturday Devotional - Isaiah 53: 1-6 (The Message)

You always here about how destructive sin is, how it is powerful and can break lives and communities apart. Three words in this passage made this truth more physically real for me: our sins that 'ripped and tore and crushed him'. My sins weren't just resting upon Jesus gently, but ripping and tearing and crushing ... because this is what sin does. And yet, i play with sin all the time ... as if it were some cute puppy. Forgive me, Jesus.

But in this passage there is also incredible beauty. Did you catch it? Because of this suffering of this Servant of God i am made whole, and i am healed. i like that word 'whole', because my life can seem so fragmented and gap-filled ... even incomplete. But through Jesus i have been (past tense) made whole. in other words, healed. This is a surgery that has already happened so when my Father sees me He sees me whole and healed ... even when i don't 'feel' that way. it IS the spiritual truth. it IS my real identity. amazing.

Finally, there is a challenge in this passage for me as well. do i really believe that 'all my sins' are piled upon Jesus. am i willing to receive forgiveness for all my wanderings and getting lost and doing my own thing and going my own way? i have struggled in my life with embracing this gift of Jesus taking ALL my punishment. Father, forgive my pride.

Good Friday Devotional - Mark 15: 33-41

Darkness was over the land and darkness was in the hearts of Jesus, and those who loved him. What stood out to me in this passage was that even Jesus' last cry made an impact in the heart of someone who heard it. i wonder what was this last cry? did Jesus say anything? was it just a guttural noise? no matter what it was, we read that the centurion heard this cry - and saw how Jesus died - and this led him to exclain, 'Surely this man was the Son of God!' Even as Jesus breathed His last, so this centurion seemed to be taking his first breath as a believer. Even at the moment of His death, Jesus is giving life, making things new. that is the hope in this passage, that is why this is 'GOOD' friday! the death of Jesus brings life ... makes things new!

Another thing which got to me in this passage was the 'alone-ness' of Jesus. completely alone. it struck me when i read those who gave him wine vinegar and said, 'Now leave him alone.' He was already alone. there would be no elijah coming for him. no angels comforting him. and no Father to talk to and be with. this for me is the anguish of Jesus on the cross. He is alone.

a final thought, is the mention of the women at the distance. made me wonder where the men were, and also encourages me that in a very patriarchal period in which women were often thought of as property - the gospel writers give them prominence in the greatest event in world history.

Easter Thursday Devotional - Luke 22: 54-62

Again, another familiar story. But this time i realized something - Peter at least followed Jesus to the house of the high priest. At a distance, but he was there. It made me wonder whether i follow Jesus anywhere near places that might cause me trouble.

Two phrases stood out to me: first, the detail that it was the 'firelight' that exposed Peter to the servant girl. trying to hide in the dark, but his true identity as a follower of Jesus was exposed by this 'firelight'. what would it look for me to live out my true nature as a follower of Jesus without hiding in the dark, or having to be exposed by a servant girl in the 'firelight'? sometimes it seems i wear masks for different people and different situations.

And then you have the phrase, 'The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter.' were Jesus' eyes filled with disappointment? i don't know, but i like to think they were brimming with love and assurance. maybe that is what drove Peter outside to weep bitterly; he was so overwhelmed by the love he saw in his Lord's eyes. i, too, need Jesus to look me in the eye and arrest me in the act of sin and betrayal. i know i don't weep over my sin with enough bitterness and regret. the problem is it is uncomfortable to have my Lord Jesus look me in the eye, hard to hold eye contact long enough to be overwhelmed by His love and driven to weep and repent.

help me look You in the eye, Lord Jesus.

Easter Wednesday Devotional - Matthew 26: 36-46

'My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death' is so deeply powerful. The Son of God moved to such dark depths ... reading this passage again i realize all over how my mind and heart is just unable to grasp the struggle in Jesus' soul that night in the garden. He knew what was coming - no 'ignorance was bliss for him'. He knew the physical, spiritual and relational pain he was about the endure on the cross. Knowing that His Father was to turn from Him and He would be alone ... for the first time in His life.

And that Jesus would ask for help from simple men is such a lovely, human touch. and how human that they failed him. Eyes heavy, exhausted, they gave in to the pull of their flesh. Makes me think of the areas my flesh is weak, even though my spirit is willing even longing to do the right thing. Jesus, forgive me. Spirit, strengthen my flesh to obey.

can i say, 'yet not as i will, but as you will' about the most important things in my life - career, family, my very life? it is easier on small items ... but how about what is most valuable to me? that, like Jesus, is a struggle. but at least i know my Friend Jesus struggled just like me.

But ultimately, this passage is about Jesus and His struggle and pain and also resolve to do the Father's will. i know i can never fully grasp the torment of my Savior's soul that night, but help me, Jesus, not forget it either.

Easter Tuesday Devotional - John 13: 1-17

I really think i would have been very uncomfortable if Jesus was washing my feet. i would smile, look around, see how others are reacting. i don't think i would know what to do. i mean, i would like to have my feet washed. i imagine it would be: soothing, cleansing, relaxing, a little ticklish!, very pleasurable and enjoyable. so why would i wriggle and try and get out of it? intimacy. to have someone wash my feet would mean that there would be touch, and contact, and intimacy ... and i would have to stop wriggling to allow this to happen. meditating on this passage i realized that i wriggle so much during the day, even during my quiet times, that i don't allow Jesus to wash my feet, soothe my soul, touch my heart. maybe i don't want Jesus that close to me?

And i can't serve others with this kind of love unless i allow Jesus to serve me with His kind of love.

Finally, i was struck by how in control of everything Jesus was. He had so much power, and total knowledge of everything - including the evil that was happening in Judas' heart, and the evil that would happen the next day - and this all flowed out in an act of incredible love. Power + knowledge = love in acts of service. what would it look like if the power/influence i had, plus the knowledge God has given me, would flow into loving acts of service? Do i use my power and knowledge to kneel at the feet of those 'lower' than me in society, or do i use it to try and impress and influence those 'higher' than me to try and get something from them?

we are following a Foot-Washing-God ... how totally stupendous and cool is that!?

Easter Monday Devotional - Matthew 28: 6-16

The thing that struck me most strongly was the difference between the woman who was all about giving something immensely valuable to Jesus, and Judas who was all about getting something for himself. Judas is all 'give me, give me, give me.' He just wants what he can get out of his relationship with Jesus, and i can be like that so often. Jesus give me this. Jesus give me that. And sometimes I, like Jesus, am willing to trade him in to get something out of the world - more comfort, less persecution, more money.

On the other hand, this woman saw a unique, once in a life-time, moment to display EXTRAVAGANT LOVE to Jesus. Completely over-the-top love. For her, it was all about giving to Jesus, not getting from Him. Makes me wonder how extravagant and over the top my love for Jesus is? Also, as we approach Easter this woman's act makes me think about how I can take unique moments on this day, and in this week, to demonstrate how much I love Jesus.

Final thought, i just love the fact that this all take place in the house of Simon the Leper. How is that for a cool name! 'The Leper'. Showing again how Jesus hung out with social outcasts and untouchables. Maybe i will find Jesus in the home of outcasts and untouchables this week?